The Ten Commandments of Love

Thou shalt always retain thou’s identity:

One thing to remember when entering into a relationship is that you had a life before you met this person and that whether you date for a few weeks, a few months or several years, you continue to have your own life for the duration of the relationship and retain it so that it still stands if the relationship ends.  One analogy is to look at yourself as a fully baked cake.  Your cake contains all the ingredients you need to taste rich and satisfying.  Deciding to embark on a relationship is just to add some fabulous icing on your cake. 
Good icing enhances and enriches it, and without it, you are still a great cake.  Relationships are about enhancing your life not replacing some missing ingredients. If you go into relationship fully baked, you will never crumble if it ends! 

(See Francine onUTube with Matthew Wright)

Thou shalt learn how to communicate clearly

Key to all great relationships is communication.  Instead of going into your head and making up what you think the other person means and spending hours and days going over what he said and what she said, have the courage to ask questions and explain yourself clearly so that any assumptions or misinterpretations are cleared up quickly. This is the easiest way to build a relationship built on honesty, openness and trust.

Thou shalt practise acceptance and understanding of each other

We are all so different. I was recently at a workshop where the trainer asked us to choose a partner and stand behind them. The person in front was asked to walk to the other side of the room exactly how they always walk; same stance, same rhythm, same stride, same arm movements. The person behind was asked to walk behind them copying their exact movements. It was a large room and quite a long walk.  When we arrived at the other side of the room the trainer asked us what it was like walking the way the person in front of us walked. Many of us said it was weird, uncomfortable or really odd.  The trainer then said, ‘well if that’s what walking behind them is like, imagine seeing the world through their eyes’. We realised from this physical example how very different we all are.  The person you meet on a date may have a very different viewpoint to you based on their upbringing, their circumstances and their environment. Practising acceptance and understanding of their world builds a relationship built on the joy of being known for who you are without having to change.  Let’s face it, we can always change certain behaviours but our intrinsic characteristics remain the same.  If you cannot accept a person for who they are, it’s far better to move on and find one that you can rather than try and change the one you are with.

Thou shalt have fun together

Fun! The most important ingredient of any relationship. Make sure your third date is a ‘doing date’. Go out during the day and do something fun. Drinks and dinner are great, but sharing an activity, visiting a new place, playing sport or doing something that excites you both which will provide your first memory of a shared experience is wonderful. Have a variety of things in mind that you love doing so that you can suggest a fun day out.

Thou shalt hold the relationship as valuable

Relationships are valuable.  Imagine a relationship like a living entity that lives between you.  Even if you only have one date or you date for ages, everything that you say or do has the ability of being relationship building or relationship destroying.  That’s because everything you say or do has to travel through the ‘filter’ of the ‘living entity’ that is the relationship between you.  Hold that entity as valuable at all times and watch it grow as you care for it. And, if it has to end, you’ll walk away with your reputation in tact and a relationship that may turn into a wonderful friendship.

Thou shalt always be faithful to one another (unless specifically agreed otherwise)

I always think this is such a good idea.  It’s pretty hard to keep all the balls in the air (so to speak). One date at a time allows you to give each person a chance.  One relationship at a time allows intimacy to grow.  Keep your integrity and be faithful unless both of you agree otherwise.

Thou shalt experience passion together (at least once a week!)

Once you are in a longer term relationship, it’s vital to keep intimacy alive.  Don’t get complacent. Ever. Make sure you always take care with your appearance. Smelling great is always a great turn on.    Take time to get to know each other’s likes and dislikes and to build the trust that intimacy brings with it. I think it was Paul McCartney who sang, “Don’t get too tired for love”. 

Thou shalt spend quality time together and quality time apart

It’s always tempting in the first flush of a new relationship to drop everything and spend as much time together as possible. However, this is not a great idea. Hold on to your own interests, hobbies and friends.  Time spent apart means you have something more to bring to the relationship when you are together.  Fill your time apart with everything that you were doing before you met. The reason you found each other attractive in the first place was because of everything you brought to the relationship. Maintain your life and if it all goes pear shaped, you’ll still have exactly what you always had.

Thou shalt continue to grow mentally and spiritually

This is interesting.  Our mental and spiritual growth continues throughout our lives.  What doesn’t grow simply dies.   It’s very important to keep learning, stay mentally stimulated and be the best we can be.  Always have something on the go, be it a new book, a study programme, visiting a retreat of some kind or get involved in some spiritual learning that expands your mind and opens your soul.  The more you learn the more you have to contribute to your relationship on so many levels. The more you learn about you, the wiser and more discriminating you become about what you want from your life and your relationships.

Thou shalt hold thy partner in high esteem and wave their flag whenever possible

Do you know what upsets me the most about some couples? It’s when I see them bickering in public. One is putting the other one down, sometimes in a teasing way and sometimes something like “well she never… or he always…”   It’s uncomfortable for the people around them and it shows a real lack of respect for each other. Your job in relationship is always to be waving each other’s flag. (Especially in public!). But also behind closed doors and at every opportunity encourage and support your partner to be the very best they can be. Hold them in high esteem and watch them flourish because if you believe in them they will be far more able to achieve whatever it is they are up to in their lives.

PS Thou shalt never go to bed on argument

Enough said.  Always resolve any upsets, arguments or issues before saying goodnight.  Firstly it’s so hard to sleep when you are in emotional turmoil and secondly no one wants to wake up in the morning remembering yesterday’s disagreements.  Sort yourselves out before bedtime and wake up with a clean slate ready to rekindle your romance.

Follow these Rules for Love and even Moses would approve!

 
Francine Kaye is The Relationship Doctor and expert relationship coach on The Wright Stuff on Channel 5. She appeared regularly on the Trisha show and writes for her national magazines and newspapers. Her books Time to Live and The Divorce Doctor are available on Amazon.
Francine coaches couples and individuals who are ready for great relationships in their lives. For free relationship advice visit her at www.francinekaye.com or for more information about how Francine can help you, email her at francine@francinekaye.com

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